The evening of May 31st.
That is when I will go into the hospital to walk the final steps toward meeting the baby who has been making his mark on my womb for the last 36 weeks.
Two more weeks. It seems close, surreal really.
When I found out that I was pregnant, one of my first prayers was of thanksgiving. A close second was, “God, if this baby won’t live, will you please take it now?” I reasoned that if my heart would have to face pain and loss than I would rather just “get it over with.” However, as I would pray for this baby in the days to follow, the phrase that kept pressing itself close to my heart was “I want you to trust me.” It was a challenge to make my heart and mind come back into alignment and refocus on my true North. God can be trusted. In fact, He is the only one we can trust all the time, in every circumstance.
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. – Psalm 43:5
There may be times when we are tempted to believe that God has let us down, but I believe that it is only that our perception of God’s plan for our life didn’t match up with our own. God never strays from His plan and He promises to make all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. He is intentional and detailed, not haphazard and careless.
This baby, like the four that I have delivered before him have each been a part of God’s plan for my life and also a part of God’s plan for the lives of others. My children are not here for me. They are here because God has a purpose for their life. I believe that my part to play is to help them discover the creator that radically loves them and to help point them in a direction where they can walk toward His purpose for their life. I believe that there will be many times when my job is simply to not get in the way of what God is trying to do in their lives.
During this pregnancy I have found peace easier to grasp and fear of the many possible problems to be comfortably distanced. Despite this stance of trust, I have had times where I felt convinced that a lack of movement was signaling the horror of death. I have gone into our first ultrasound fully prepared for news of problems. I have been told my placenta fluid was getting low and should be watched. I have been told that the girl we were expecting is really a boy. I have had spotting and bleeding and have been admitted to the hospital for a weekend stay. I have been on bed rest for the last five weeks. I have wavered within a strange mix of emotions: denial, joy, withdrawn, intense gratitude.
In some ways I have remained slightly distanced from this pregnancy. I picture myself standing upright, hands outstretched above my head, holding my baby heavenward. It is a stance not of ingratitude of the gift offered to me, but rather an admission of my own unworthiness to be given so great a gift. It is an attempt to humbly accept the responsibility of mothering this child while desiring not to cling so desperately as to become unwilling to separate myself from him should I be so called. I am attempting to “not get in the way” of God’s plan by bringing unnecessary worry, doubt, fear or uncertainty to the mix. I know that I fail but I also know that God has never failed me, He can be trusted.
I am 36 weeks pregnant. It was at the end of this week that Sawyer died. Just 8 days ago we remembered Sawyer’s life as a family on the 3rd anniversary of the day he was born. But even as I reflect on Sawyer’s short life, I have to remember that each life has its own purpose and each day was written before one of them came to be. I need to get out of the way and let God be God and enjoy watching Him work and appreciate His blessings and trust in His plan.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. -Psalm 139: 13-16
I haven’t done any official bag packing yet and Trent and I have yet to agree on a baby name, but I am getting pretty excited and I am counting down the days of getting off this couch and putting on my cute little delivery gown!